As soon
as I step on to the train I am faced with a screaming dribbling child, quite
clearly in need of some sort of assistance as his Mother carries out her
parental duties by talking to some poor bugger on the other end of the phone
and completely ignoring her son. I find a seat, sit down, and continue to
listen to Clean Bandits ‘Dust Clears’ …everyone should listen to this brilliant song
right now! In fact you should literally listen to this brilliant song right now…
Unfortunately
not even this fantastically arranged track and accomplishment in modern music can take me away from the
many distractions that surround me. With music in both ears, I can still
quite clearly hear one of the most irritating sounds my poor eardrums have ever been
exposed to. Humming.
The man
sitting next to me but one, is quite literally humming. The tune is unknown, but the humming is
similar to what I imagine it would sound like if a small mouse was to do the
ice bucket challenge, one cube at a time, whilst attempting to sing Kate Bush’s
Wuthering Heights. A slow and painful sound that makes my eardrums feel
constantly numb and irritable. I stare at him and so do other people, but no one says anything.
At
this
point another woman comes and sits on me…sorry next to me. Apologising
as she
removes her scarf from my lap, she looks at the humming man and tuts.
Finally I think,
someone who I can share a common eye roll and nod with, but
unfortunately this is not what happens. The woman pulls out her
telephonic
communication devise and dials an 11 digit number. I know this because
the
keypad tones are switched on…who does that?! At this point I am praying
for a
quick ‘can you pick me up from the station, ok bye’ but instead I get...
'and then Tina was like'. I am sure that if there was
a hell for ears, then this would be it. If you have ever stood next to
a massive speaker at the famous Notting Hill Carnival then you can
imagine how loud it was. Times that by 100 and you're almost there.
I
am then
faced with two other people who decide to ring everyone they have ever
met
whilst on this 20 minute journey. At this point I am close to breaking
when I realise that my stop is fast approaching. I get up way too early
as I can not sit listening to this debauchery anymore. As soon as I
stand up the man opposite me also stands up. He looks at me and then
walks towards the door blocking me from exiting first. He then recreates
the scene in David Attenborough's 'Planet Earth', where a snail walks
along a one way path as other woodland creatures look on behind him in
despair. You can't find these scenes on the bonus features as it was
never released. This was because it was so dull that people literally
died from the viewing, I only know because I nearly died from the
viewing.
I
finally manage to overtake this man and leave the train feeling
frustrated and uneasy in the knowledge that this will most likely happen
all over again tomorrow, and then the day after that, and then the day
after that too. Oh London, I'll never get tired of your constant banter.
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