Tired of London...Tired of LIFE!

As soon as I step on to the train I am faced with a screaming dribbling child, quite clearly in need of some sort of assistance as his Mother carries out her parental duties by talking to some poor bugger on the other end of the phone and completely ignoring her son. I find a seat, sit down, and continue to listen to Clean Bandits ‘Dust Clears’ …everyone should listen to this brilliant song right now! In fact you should literally listen to this brilliant song right now…

Unfortunately not even this fantastically arranged track and accomplishment in modern music can take me away from the many distractions that surround me. With music in both ears, I can still quite clearly hear one of the most irritating sounds my poor eardrums have ever been exposed to. Humming.

 

The man sitting next to me but one, is quite literally humming. The tune is unknown, but the humming is similar to what I imagine it would sound like if a small mouse was to do the ice bucket challenge, one cube at a time, whilst attempting to sing Kate Bush’s Wuthering Heights. A slow and painful sound that makes my eardrums feel constantly numb and irritable. I stare at him and so do other people, but no one says anything.

At this point another woman comes and sits on me…sorry next to me. Apologising as she removes her scarf from my lap, she looks at the humming man and tuts. Finally I think, someone who I can share a common eye roll and nod with, but unfortunately this is not what happens. The woman pulls out her telephonic communication devise and dials an 11 digit number. I know this because the keypad tones are switched on…who does that?! At this point I am praying for a quick ‘can you pick me up from the station, ok bye’ but instead I get... 'and then Tina was like'. I am sure that if there was a hell for ears, then this would be it. If you have ever stood next to a massive speaker at the famous Notting Hill Carnival then you can imagine how loud it was. Times that by 100 and you're almost there.

I am then faced with two other people who decide to ring everyone they have ever met whilst on this 20 minute journey. At this point I am close to breaking when I realise that my stop is fast approaching. I get up way too early as I can not sit listening to this debauchery anymore. As soon as I stand up the man opposite me also stands up. He looks at me and then walks towards the door blocking me from exiting first. He then recreates the scene in David Attenborough's 'Planet Earth', where a snail walks along a one way path as other woodland creatures look on behind him in despair. You can't find these scenes on the bonus features as it was never released. This was because it was so dull that people literally died from the viewing, I only know because I nearly died from the viewing.

I finally manage to overtake this man and leave the train feeling frustrated and uneasy in the knowledge that this will most likely happen all over again tomorrow, and then the day after that, and then the day after that too. Oh London, I'll never get tired of your constant banter.  

Oh no wait...I'M TIRED!

Bored of being Bored because being Bored is Boring!

Boredom...it really is a boring thing. Some people get it ALOT, some people hardly ever get it. Some people know how to get rid of it and some people don’t have a clue. There is no real cure for this, which can be a real problem. You can’t just take some Lemsip or Nurofen and get rid of it like a cold. But like a cold, it is extremely common and incredibly contagious. If one person is overly bored they can quite easily infect another person with this tragic condition. However someone without the condition can also quite easily cure someone with it. Boredom, it's a funny old thing really.

‘I’m bored’. Sarah said as she tried to find a topic for her next blog entry. A light bulb suddenly appeared above her head. ‘I’ve got it’ she shouted to an empty auditorium. ‘Boredom, it can be about BOREDOM’. As Sarah started to type out the words that were inflicting her thoughts to such an extent, she soon realised that these words could and most likely would inflict upon her audience in the darkest way. A change of subject was definitely in need, but what? Its hard to think at the best of times, but when you’ve got no energy to think of anything at all, then thinking itself becomes an undeniable truth...or so she thought. She tried to wake herself up but failed miserable. She splashed some cold water in her face but quickly reverted back to a tiresome lump. She then tried to abandon any thoughts altogether, but constantly came back to it. She came to the conclusion that the only way to get rid of these thoughts, was to embrace them, and think her way through.

So she did what any normal human being in the same situation would do. She took drastic action and Google image'd 'bored'. What happened next was totally expected. This was what came up…

'Tragedy' by the popular 90's band of 'Steps' came to mind and this was soon followed by 'Gina G'. 'Why were these things happening to me?!' She thought, until she realised that she was now googling what looked and sounded like her childhood. Kavana, 911 and PJ and Duncan all made an appearance on her computer screen, and this was the moment she realised, there is a cure for boredom after all, and it comes in the form of 'Misheard 90's song lyrics' FEAT 'The reason I breed is you' and 'STOP, Ham Time'! Worked for me! Enjoy...

     

London Underground...

Changing lines on the London Underground is much like when an unexpected flash flood destroys everything in its path leaving only devastation and despair. Increasing the heart rate it quickly transforms a persons character altogether from a normal and relatively happy human being, into a never seen before angry species complete with both tail and horns. If you’re lucky enough to have a seat on the train, you will sit there waiting in anticipation for this event to begin.
 
Unfortunately the seat will impair you in the long run especially if its in the middle of the carriage, and this will be a huge disadvantage when the time comes to exit the train. As you fight your way through the obstacle of bags, buggys and people, you begin to feel the sweat start to intrude upon your forehead. You wonder if the seat was worth it, but it always was.
 
Finally you manage to push yourself through the people and reach the doors. Unscalved you now see a swarm of people crowding around the open doors in front of you and quickly coming towards you. Some of them start to push you back in to the train to which you respond with a heckle and another push. ‘Please let passengers off the train FIRST’ you repeat!
 
Eventually you leave the train and slowly make your way down the crowded platform. People still continue to push past you, so you have no choice but to push past them. Bags smack you round the face unaware of what they are actually smacking in to. Some people run, and apologise as they knock other people over but do not stop. Some people walk next to their friends in a long line that creates a huge barrier making it impossible for faster walking people to pass. Others walk at a snails pace and some walk only ever so slightly quicker than that. 'Is there anything worse than a slow walker over taking an even slower walker' you think to yourself.
 
You dodge in and out and overtake the people that you can, and then you’re faced with every commuters worst nightmare...the escalator. Someone is stood on the left hand side and they are NOT moving. To avoid confrontation the person behind them says nothing, so you wait knowing that your train is now most likely zooming into the tunnel away from the platform just moments from where you are.
 
Finally you reached the end of the escalator. You turn the corner smashing into the people you pass, only to see the train pulling away from the station platform. Your fears have been realised and this is then followed by the hideously annoying announcement of:

‘Due to a signal failure at Bounds Green, the Piccadilly Line is experiencing severe delays. You are advised to seek another form of transport’

The world around you starts to crumble and you now have to get the one thing that is even worse than the tube - a London Bus! Hell has opened up and just when you think that your day cannot get any worse, suddenly perspective pays you a visit and you hear the following announcement:

‘Due to a person under a train at Green Park, the Piccadilly line is now suspended until further notice. Tickets will be excepted on local buses’

You stop for a moment, take a deep breath and realise that you have just become one of ‘those people’. You get on the bus without another negative thought, you stand there with a bag in one cheek and an armpit in the other, smiling. You smile, you get over it and you get on with your journey. You then reach your final destination.
 
Whether its a good thing or a bad thing, changing lines is just that, its change. It can be refreshing even when you weren’t expecting it. So expect it, and it will change everything. 

End.