Conversations overheard on the train: IS THIS YOU?!

I sit here on the train listening to my music when suddenly something terrible happens. The music stops, my phone switches off, my battery has died and all that I have known for the last 12 minutes unexpectedly and very abruptly ends. All I am left with now is silence, complete and utter uninterrupted silence for the remainder of my journey. But hold on…what was that I just heard? Someone is speaking and another person is responding. A conversation taking place between two other passengers has begun, and I am their audience.

As I sit here in this tiny chair on this busy underground carriage, my imagination and vision shifts slightly and the scenery around me begins to mould and transform into something quite different. As the space opens up, the bright yellow handle bars disappear and I am now sitting in an enormous raked stage theatre, complete with proscenium arch. The other passengers all take on their particular roles as either audience members, or the Actors on stage performing this scene in front of me. As the lights are dimmed but continue to flicker (reminding me of where I actually am) I am only interrupted by the usher walking past with his box of treats (or by the man with his briefcase full of work). I am then given a sneak peek in to these characters lives as the conversations I hear and the actions I see, become more and more entertaining as each scene unfolds and takes on its own genre. I sit and I watch. I listen and I react. The curtain rises and through the door walks two men around the age of 30… 

Man 1: Operation burglar! If you were a burglar, which house would you rob?
Man 2: The one without any lights on?
Man 1: Nope, because they’d probably just be asleep

Man 2: Unless they were at work?
Man 1: Yeah, but it wouldn’t be an absolute certainty if you robbed a house that didn’t have the lights on.
Man 2: So you would rob the house that did have the lights on?

Someone’s phone begins to ring before Man 1 can answer interrupting their conversation. A younger lady in her twenties hesitantly answers…

Women on phone: I guess you’re calling me for a reason? (pause) Spit it out then. (pause) I can't really hear you. (pause) No, he said I’ll make your life a living hell, and then Danny was like…hello? Hellooo? (Sigh)

The woman hangs up as the two men leave through the door. An older couple at the far end now enter as two younger people offer them their seat…they accept. 

Old Woman: So anyway the 80% pass rate is actually rather high. I’ve never got 80% on an exam before, but then I’ve never really done an exam before.

Old Man: Me neither. Did you think the food was better last night?
Old Woman: Yeah there was a real Spanish theme to it, meat, cheese, olives
Old Man: No burgers though
Old Woman: Well no, but burgers aren’t Spanish are they?

The older woman stops talking as the lady next to me starts having a coughing fit. As this happens a tall bearded Australian man in the corner quietly mentions to his younger accomplice… 

Bearded Man: An optional extra on a rent a car…a gun! So, if you get pulled over in the bush you can just shoot them. Can you imagine if you went through customs and they stamped your passport and gave you a gun?! That would be handy.

A couple of the ‘audience members’ become slightly irritated as two boys around the age of 12 now run in through the doors. Whilst playing on their phones, one of them loudly and without pause delivers this closing monologue…

Boy: ‘I don’t like going on fast trains at all. They’re not like planes. With planes you know it’s going to stop at the end, but with trains they’re going so fast that it’s very possible that you’ll miss your stop. Like the Heathrow Express. I'll never go on the Heathrow Express - there would be no point. It’s so fast that I would just miss my stop and have to do it all over again. It’s safer on planes but more expensive. I guess in Japan it’s different - you don't get electrocuted if you trend on the track. What's that noise? Bang bang BANG! …Oh, it’s the people on the bridge walking over. Can I have one of them? Not the purple one though, I don't eat things that are purple. Oh look, (looks at phone) ‘1000 pies’ is following me - who the hell is that? …Did they eat them all? I should probably set up my privacy settings’. 

And then I leave. There is no applause, no standing ovation, and everything returns to normal as I remember that I am actually exiting from a 40 minute train journey. I walk home wondering who these people were…someone’s brother, someone’s aunt, someone’s friend, or a friend of a friend of a friend. Or perhaps just maybe, this was YOU? One thing is for sure, I have witnessed them and they have witnessed me, and in one way or another we have been part of each other’s lives even for the shortest amount of time, and now, all of you have been part of this too. So next time you’re on the train, have a listen and enjoy some completely free theatre, and just for that moment delve into someone else's world, as they delve in to yours.

Next time on Your Head Not Mine: A reason for the lack of Comedy, Spoons, Tupperware and Comedy Spoons in Tupperware. Tune in soon to find out more…BOOM!