MODERN TECHO!

Sitting at lunch with the family on Easter Sunday is always a brilliant experience to say the least. The different characters make it hard not to imagine that I am taking part in some form of Shakespearian play with star crossed lovers at one end of the table, and a man transforming into a donkey at the other end. 

Whilst enjoying my roast spuds that have been smothered in the most delicious homemade gravy, I am suddenly aware of how far the world has come since Shakespearian times. My 2 year old niece runs around the table to join me in my seat. She stretches out her arms for me to pick her up and once settled, she starts to play with my ‘non touch screen phone’, swiping from left to right and not fully understanding why she is unable to do so. 

I try to explain to her that once upon a time there were no touch screen mobile phones, and actually long before that…no phones at all. As she looks at me with a confused expression upon her face, it suddenly dawns upon me that children today are growing up in such a fast paced technology driven environment, that they may not ever fully understand the history of technology and how far we’ve actually come.

I am not about to launch into a spill on how we should be teaching children the importance of getting out more and exercising instead of sitting in a dark room in front of a computer screen, as I believe that this actually (on the whole) isn’t what children are doing…thanks to devises such as ‘Wii fit’ and ‘Scvngr’ – a game that encourages people to explore, and perform challenges in different locations. Instead I am merely suggesting that children should understand the benefits of such products and perhaps use them with an ounce of understanding of the history behind them and how we have come to the point where we are now.

I realise that this blog is completely different from my usually style of writing. I too am missing the use of 10 thousand metaphors and the hat tilt to ‘a world of imagination’, but I just thought I’d put it out there as it is what is currently on my mind, and let’s face it, my usual style is to just write whatever is on my mind no matter how awful it is anyway, so I suppose if we're honest it’s not really, all that different.

Next time on Your Head Not Mine: A fascinating look into an average man who walks along the road and imagines the road walking along him –  there is is! SENSELESS! Tune in soon….BOOM!

One Word: Titanic!

Titanic. The literal meaning of this word according to the English dictionary is ‘of/or containing titanium, especially in the tetravalent state’. After reading this I was now faced with the task of looking up the word ‘tetravalent’ and then soon after the word ‘valence’. Finally the goose had been caught and I discovered that in its most basic sense ‘Titanic’ is something that contains titanium to the sum of four. The word ‘Titan’ is then also offered to me as a reminder of its enormous size, strength and power. So, it’s no wonder that the tragically infamous and (at the time) largest ship in the world containing 4 huge funnels (one of which was fake), was given, quite frankly, it’s only suitable name. 

Many people ask me why I have such a fascination with the British luxury liner that sank in the North Atlantic Sea after colliding with an iceberg and killing over 1,500 people resulting in several court cases, changes in law and conspiracy theories. [PAUSE FOR THOUGHT] …I’m not sure if the previous sentence in itself sums this up, but if it doesn’t then I will continue in a way that perhaps you’ll understand better. 

Imagine running a marathon. You train and you train for years and years, until both your mind and body become completely entwined with one another, creating the ultimate machine that can, and will, take on anything in its course. Nothing will stand in its way, not even that delicious bar of the most incredible tasting chocolate known to man, or even that 350grams of Cathedral City Cheddar that just won’t quit. Finally after successfully avoiding all of the above, the day of the 26 mile run arrives. All of your friends and family wave you off at the starting point as you race forward passing everyone in sight, and looking quite literally forward to that all important finishing line and what it may bring. 

The half-way point comes and goes and you have only stopped twice to sip some spring water, and to tie up your shoe lace (silly mistake). As your breath becomes stable and you can almost see the end of the road ahead of you, you begin to feel super pleased and proud with yourself and your ability to speed up during the last 4 miles when all of a sudden, BAM - you hit the wall! You stop! You can’t move forward, you can’t move backwards, so you just stop. That’s all you can do.

Slowly but yet surely your legs give way and collapse sinking down to the ground, without much warning at all. You hit the hard concrete pavement below as the loud crashing sound of your limbs attracts a worried crowd. You lie there hopelessly on the floor as the medics run over with bandages in hand, to assist you as you continue screaming out for help. But they are just too late, and there is no chance for you now. After being told that you will never run a marathon again you realise, this is it for you now. Your legs are in ruins. Your time has come and gone. This is the end of the line and your running days will remain ‘only in your memory’. 

…Now imagine that, add a couple of thousand people, a large boat and some ice and you’ve got the Titanic! Fascinating stuff right?! ...Oh well, a girl can try.

She takes a deep breath and collapses on the floor...

She sits beside an angry chimpanzee in a dark and otherwise empty room, mentally searching for the explosives that she believes are hidden in the walls. A jam jar suddenly but yet very slowly appears as if from nowhere and rolls towards her hitting her left foot...'I'VE GOT IT' She shouts as she imagines a light bulb appear above her head. 'The answer...the answer to the existence of the entire universe is....' She takes a deep breath and collapses on the floor!  

When she wakes... she looks up, not right and not left, she just looks up. She knows that she can’t look down, or all around so she just looks up. It's not reality what she sees in the clouds above her head. It’s not correct. It’s fiction, not fact. It’s somewhere between what is real and what is fake. She looks up. She sees a conclusion, an end to everything she knew to be the truth. She then sees a new beginning appearing in front of her closed eyes. She sees images of everything she had ever been told was fantasy. She keeps looking up almost scared to look down, until something catches her attention, a flicker of light catches her attention.

She takes a deep breath and she looks down. The chimpanzee has disappeared, the jam jar is no longer on its journey towards her left foot. Everything she knew or at least everything she thought she knew was gone. Vanished. Reality hits her like walking into a newly replaced glass panelled patio door. Ouch! This place seemed more like a nightmare to her, and what can only be described as utter devastation. 

She starts to vigorously slap herself several times in the face. She rubs her eyes in an attempt to understand the chaos that is happening all around her. Nothing she does changes anything. Hundreds of people are now running around frantically pushing and pulling each other like bulls in a ring. She has come back down from the clouds, the empty room is now completely full, and as she reaches into her right pocket to remove her most sacred item, she is suddenly thrown down on to the floor like a pile of unwashed clothes. She quickly gets up without help from anyone else, and is exactly where she was at the very beginning.

24 hour BIG Tesco's. She holds her club card to the sky and takes a deep breath as she collapses on the floor once again. She wakes up for the final time to a devastatingly loud and booming voice.

‘Please place your item in the bagging area’ 

End